The van rumbles along.
I stare out the window:
wide open fields,
an infinite green
patched against that sparkling blue.
"Father,"
I barely whisper,
"I need time.
Time and a place
to commune with Thee."
A screech from the back of the van.
I jump.
Another wrestling match.
Followed by a "tease fest."
Noise.
Raucus noise.
The cry of my heart grows,
Matching the intensity of the
"Fun" in the back seat:
"Abba,
A quiet spot, please.
My spirit needs to rest,
to see Thy face."
We pull into a state park.
My eyes sparkle.
Time.
Space.
Alone.
Alone with Him,
My Father, Saviour,
Lover, Strength.
A shout from across the field:
"Hey, Steph,
Let's play some ball!"
Quietly, I answer
that I'd rather not.
A general outcry.
The teams won't be even!
Where's your Drama Team Spirit?
Amid the protests,
I walk away.
Into the woods.
My soul is starving,
Aching for a time away.
I read Ecclesiastes.
Aloud.
Aloud to the Trees.
Let my spirit soak up the words.
I pray.
Walk, and pray.
Refreshed, I return
to the general chaos
and disorder that is team life.
"Why don't you ever play with us?"
Their eyes are questioning again.
Finally one speaks,
"So what do you do out there?"
Think.
Pray. Grow.
Learn. Live. Love.
Heal.
But no answer suffices.
Weeks pass.
More questions.
And a growing feeling that my
Lonely meanderings
Are selfish and wrong.
So I stop.
Tension grows within my soul.
I cannot worship,
Cannot serve.
Then Tozer.
A floodgate of relief from that little book.
"The modern Christian has lost a sense of worship along with the concept of majesty, and of course, reverence as well. He has lost his ability to withdraw inwardly and commune in the secret place with God in the shrine of his own hidden spirit. It is this that makes Christianity, and we have all but lost it. Added numbers, yes, but lost fear. Multiplied schools, yes, but lost awareness of the invisible. Tons of literature being poured out, of course, but no consciousness of the divine Presence. Better communication, certainly, but nothing to communicate. Evangelistic organizations, yes, but the concept of majesty and worship and reverence has almost left us."
Yes,
I need this little time alone
to commune with my Father.
But I must also train myself
to retreat within
even in the middle of chaos.
To so discipline my spirit
that I can commune with Him
even when the floodgates of noise
spill out across my life.